March 4th, 2017
Dear You,
I’m not really sure who I am without you. I know who I was before I met you, but you changed things. Now that I have to live on my own again, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to talk to about things. I don’t know who will keep my crazy in check. I don’t really remember how I functioned before you. I was strong and independent. I used to think that hadn’t gone away, that it had only been enhanced by you, but now that you aren’t here I feel weak and dependent for the first time in my life; dependent on you and weak because of it. I’m not really mourning the end of us so much as going through withdrawal. You strengthened me in so many ways and without that I feel like I can’t go on. My bones feel five times heavier, making every movement a struggle.
With you colors seemed brighter, more vivid. Now everything seems to be covered in a gray veil. The sun doesn’t seem as bright, like it’s always covered with clouds, even though the sky has been clear for several days. I don’t think any of my senses are working very well since you left. I don’t hear the things that people say to me. I don’t smell or taste anything either. When people say they’re worried I eat what they give me. Occasionally I mention that I’m hungry, even when I’m not, just to keep them from knowing how much I’m actually wasting away.
I try to stay away from people as much as possible. The worst thing is having to explain, having to tell people that you’ve left. They want to know why and I can’t tell them because I don’t really know. All I know is that I’m alone now. I’m without you. They don’t seem to understand that you left me with only questions and not a single answer. I can’t stand watching the looks of pity erupt across their faces as I tell them that. It’s bad enough what I’m going through, I shouldn’t have to deal with that too.
I know they go home and they talk to their significant others about it, and say how lucky they are to have found each other. I know they do that because I did that with you. Now here I am, alone, full of questions, and the subject of my friends’ pity and concern. It’s just not fair, any of it.
Me