Sorry, Not Sorry

Odds are that you are reading this after news of some sort of mass shooting. The fact that I can write that sentence, and that it can be applicable at almost any time in America is a sad reality. I, like many of us, have become kind of numb to that news. I see the headline and I move on, because to dwell on it yet again is too painful. But there are times when we get yanked out of that for one reason or another. The Pulse Nightclub shooting of June 2016 was one of those for me. I wrote the bulk of this piece in the days following that shooting.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. My mind kept buzzing with things I need to do. I'm just a bit of a wreck. I don't know exactly how to go about healing myself. I know that I need to do all of those things I thought of last night, but once those are done I don't know what I'll do.

I just keep trying to run and embrace the pain simultaneously. I keep trying to make sense of things that don't make sense at all. I read articles and I watch videos, and I scroll through social media looking for rays of hope. Sometimes I find some, but the problem with social media is every ray of hope is usually followed by an incredibly dark cloud.

This shooting is hitting me so much harder than any other I've ever heard of, because it was gays that were targeted. That makes me feel selfish, and that makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel guilty because it seems like I value gay people's lives more than those of straight people in Paris or children in Newtown. But I suppose in all honesty I do value gay lives a little more. I value them because I am a part of them. I value them because they are my community, and it is a community that has had to fight and is still having to fight, for love and truth and the freedom to simply be who we are.

I'm sorry I'm not sorry for feeling biased. I'm sorry that I'm not going to feel bad for mourning and talking about it. I'm sorry that there is so much fighting and debating in the world right now. I'm sorry that this act is more ammunition for people to point blame at an entire religion.

My heart aches for the world. My soul aches for all of us, victim and attacker and bigot and ally. In many ways none of us are doing right by anyone else.

We are all drifting through this life, making it up as we go along, and that is incredibly terrifying. I am sorry that so many of us give in to that fear. I am sorry that giving in to that fear divides us. I am sorry that so many of us allow that fear to keep us from listening to each other and heading toward love for each other.

I'm not sorry for speaking, and living my truth. I'm not sorry for saying things that need to be said.  And I'm not sorry for being who I am. I am a writer, a creator, a musician, and a teacher. I am a gay man. I am an artist. I live my life by this mantra:

It is okay to be an artist.

It is okay to create.

It is okay to be uncertain.

It is okay to be exactly as you are right now.

It is okay.

You are okay.

I am okay.

And I'm not sorry for any of that.

I’m writing these last paragraphs days after the shooting at an elementary school in Uvalde, Texas; the deadliest school shooting since Sandy Hook. My best friends work in schools. My mother works in a school. The thought of this could happen to them is unbearable.

I don’t know what the solution to gun violence is. I know some things that would help. I know that it is a multifaceted issue that involves guns, and the way we raise boys in our society. I don’t know what the solutions are, but I know that it isn’t to do nothing. And nothing is exactly what so many of the people in charge are doing about this issue. I am trying not to completely lose my hope that things can change. The way things are right now, they aren’t going to. I can only hope that the upcoming elections will allow for circumstances that will be more favorable to the necessary changes. I know that we are divided politically, and that this is one of many issues impacting the country right now, but I hope that the lives of children would be something that we can all agree should be protected.