Weather, Volume 1

Today I bring you what I’m sure will only be the first post talking about weather. There are countless things about it that piss me off and set me into a ranting mood. We’ll begin with a few of the simple ones.

Let’s start with meteorologists. I don’t know what their job truly entails. There is the suffix –ologist at the end of it so I assume there must be some science involved. I couldn’t tell you where the hell the science is because if I had five dollars for each time the weather forecast was wrong I would never need to worry about working ever again. In what other career path can you just be completely wrong so frequently and still have a job? Not a little wrong either, drastically wrong.  I’m not talking “oh they said it would rain two inches and it only rained one,” I’m talking “oh they said it was going to snow ten inches and there is not a cloud in the sky.” It is so infuriating. How much do these people get paid? Should I go back to school to become one? Because it seems like a very secure position to have.

Another thing I hate is when it rains when it should be snowing. If I am in an area where it snows in the winter, then I want it to snow. It should not rain in Colorado in January. That just shouldn’t be a thing that happens. It should be snow or nothing. Now admittedly I am not a person who really likes the cold, but I want it to be winter when it should be winter. If it’s snowing outside I can curl up with some tea and a book, maybe make a fire. If it’s doing that raining bullshit, it means it’s warmer and that just teases me. It’s also probably just going to freeze that night so the streets will be an ice rink the next morning. At least with snow you have a chance at some traction while walking or driving. That on again/off again type of winter drives me absolutely nuts.

Thirdly, let’s discuss Murphy’s law shall we? For those of you who are unfamiliar it goes like this; “anything that can go wrong, will go wrong,” or more colloquially, “if you don’t bring an umbrella it will rain.” I know that it applies to much more in life, but it is absolutely true in the literal sense. I know that Murphy only named the law, but I need someone to blame for that nonsense. Though if anyone should be mad at Murphy it is meteorologists, because I am never more mad at them than the moments when they say it was going to rain, so I didn’t bring an umbrella, and then it pours like a monsoon.

I also need someone to answer for hail. What spiteful, angry deity came up with that? How did that planning meeting go?

“Why don’t we hurl chunks of ice at them?”

“How big?”

“Eh, like a tic-tac if I’m in a good mood. But when I’m having a day we start talking in terms of the balls used in various sports.”

It really does just seem like the planet’s way to try to get back at us for what we’ve done to it. I mean, what other purpose could that serve? Rain contributes to the water cycle, snow does the same when it’s cold. Hail is just angry. It is the meteorological equivalent of wasps – seems to serve no purpose apart from pain and destruction.

Which brings me to the meteorological phenomenon that probably causes me the most frustration; humidity. I hate humidity. I would so much rather deal with a dry hundred degree heat than a humid eighty degrees. The closest I think I have ever come to actually losing my mind was on a tour bus with faulty air conditioning in Spain during June when the humidity was hanging in the air. I sat there, feeling the tenuous grip on my sanity as it seemed to slowly slip away. I tried to fan myself but that only seemed to make it worse.

Perhaps these sorts of feelings are my attempt to get past the existential dread about the state of the climate on the planet. The fact that I can see distinct changes in places I’ve lived over a ten year period is alarming. So I perhaps return to those common complaints about the weather as an attempt to remind myself that some things do stay the same, and that maybe I can be at least a little bit hopeful about something.