Dear Next Door Enemy

Dear Next Door Enemy,         

I know that you are the one who has been stealing my newspapers. I need this to stop. I pay a decent amount of money for this dying form of media communication because I like to start my day with something tactile. I like to sit in my bathrobe with the coffee on the kitchen table and read my paper. I like to be informed by reading those words and listening to the sounds the paper every time I turn or move them. Sometimes I like to do that snappy thing that is so popular on TV, even when I don’t need to.

Now you can either stop stealing my paper or I can begin to make your life unpleasant. I know how much you love the hedges that separate our yards. It would be unfortunate if something were to happen to them.

            Your Neighbor