July 8th, 2015

Dear R,

I was alright. I was fine. I was alone but I had come to accept that. I was perfect in my loneliness. Then you came along and you were everything. You made me fall in love with you. Your gravity was so strong that you just pulled me in. You made me happy, far more happy than I thought I could ever be. I hated you a little for that. It was all well and good that I was more content than I had ever been but what was I supposed to do when it ended? What was I supposed to do when you left? I knew you were going to leave because everyone before you had, and you were far better for me than any of the others. You were the very definition of too good to be true.

Sometimes I couldn’t breathe because I would think about you leaving and it would stop me cold. It would feel like an asthma attack, my airways constricting causing me to wheeze. You would ask me what was wrong and I wouldn’t be able to tell you, first because I physically couldn’t get the air to form the words and because I couldn’t bring myself to speak to you about my fear. I didn’t want you to even hear the word “leaving.” I was afraid that the mere planting of the idea in your head would make it manifest.

It didn’t get any better when you put the ring on my finger. It might for some people, but I was too well acquainted with the idea of divorce and husbands leaving families behind. I told myself I was prepared because I wasn’t naïve. I’d seen a family destroyed by leaving. I knew the signs. I wouldn’t be blindsided.

When I became pregnant I was ecstatic, for the obvious reasons, but there was more. I now had something that would legally bind you to me forever. Yes you could still leave but it would be much more difficult. I could have a court track you down because of the baby. You can’t have someone tracked down just for breaking your heart.

Then I lost it.  My body failed to do one of the things it was designed to do. The life that I should have produced was gone. I felt like a failure, like there was something wrong with me. Women had been doing this for millennia and I couldn’t do it. I was a piece of defective machinery. And I was scared because I didn’t have my trump card for keeping you. Just having that thought made me feel even worse, but I couldn’t stop it. What sort of monster thought this way? I was worried about keeping you around afterward.

You were wonderful through the whole thing. You held me for hours. You didn’t say anything to me while I cried because you knew that I would hate that, you just held me. You made me feel better and worse, because I was coming to the realization that when you left I would be all the more devastated, and you wouldn’t be around to help me through that. There was no “if you left,” it was just a matter of when.

I wanted to distance myself from you, to push you away to make the eventuality easier, but I couldn’t do it. And more importantly, you wouldn’t let me do it. You stayed by my side against all expectations. I love you so much for that. Thank you. Happy Anniversary.

Love,

J