February 23rd, 2013

Dear P,

When I saw your name on the letter I almost threw it away. I couldn’t even begin to imagine why you would be writing, but my brain immediately spun off into a thousand different what’s you could be writing. I thought about the possibility of you writing an apology for leaving me, or maybe you were writing to ask for a favor; that would be just like you. As I walked from the mailbox back to my house I thought of eight more scenarios and my possible reactions to them.

As my mind continued to spin I wandered inside and went to my desk. I sat down and my mind went blank. I was left there, staring at your name in the corner, my name in the middle, over the address that we used to share. Without really thinking about it I reached out, grabbed my letter opener, and slit the top of the envelope.

The words were a bit of a surprise. It was an apology and a plea. I can’t believe that you want to meet with me, that you have the audacity to request a meeting with me. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can face you. I’m not sure if it is because of the anger I still feel toward you, or if I’m afraid that I will be weak in your presence. You don’t say why you want to meet, which makes me immediately think of more scenarios. Maybe you just want to reinforce the apology. Maybe you want to get back together, to plead for my forgiveness. That would be sort of satisfying actually, the idea that you finally realized how badly you messed up. But that’s also why I’m afraid of being weak around you. What if that is what happens and I actually take you back in that weakness. The odds are slim, but what if they aren’t as slim as I thought?

Oh god. What if you want me to meet someone new – some new love that you’ve found. That would make sense. You want to absolve yourself of any past mistakes before you go further with this person that I may have just made up.

The whole point is that I can’t meet you without having more information to go on. So I guess it’s your move now.

R