Dear... Mom

Dear... Mom

I don't know if I really want to meet you. You gave me up. I don't know what the reason is. I don't even know if there is a reason that the broken part of me will ever accept. My parents were great, but there is this feeling of abandonment. All of the things I've read about newborns and the womb and mothers justifies my feelings. I knew from the day that you gave me up that I was with people who weren't you. I know that this feeling of not being wanted has existed from an early age.

I never tried to find you. I was stubborn about it. You didn't want me so I didn't want to talk to you. It was my kids who found you. I don't know if they did it for me or out of their own curiosity. Maybe it was a combination of both. 

I have spent my entire life running from people. I don't often engage with others because I always feel, in the back of my mind, that they are going to abandon me. It is hard to leave behind the very first thing you ever experienced. 

I'm sure it wasn't an easy thing for you to do. I certainly hope it wasn't. If it was very easy then there is no possible way that I will ever be able to connect with you. I like to think that you were in love with the person who was my father. I hope that circumstances were just beyond your control. But I'm scared that you're just an idiotic monster that made a "mistake" and took this route to fix it. And I’m not sure the risk of that is worth the possibility of things going well.

Me