June 20th, 2015

Dear M,

This is such an odd situation. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop thinking about how hurt he’ll be if we act on what we’ve been talking about. It will devastate him. I never thought I would find myself in this position. I’ve been cheated on before and I always told myself that I would never do that to somebody else, but I am so drawn to you.

The part of me that is the most drawn keeps telling me that I wouldn’t be the one cheating, that it’s up to you to stop yourself. I can’t help it if you choose to slip. That part of me doesn’t seem to understand that it’s in the minority. It’s a strong minority, but still.

Four years ago there was another man I was in this same situation with, but then you were the one that would have been devastated. You were the one that I couldn’t stop thinking about because you were with that other man. It’s a strange triangle I never thought would happen. I didn’t even know you then, other than his descriptions of you. I didn’t act on it. I could tell that his desire for me was killing him and he felt like he was completely betraying you. I don’t know if you knew about that, and I’m too afraid to ask you. Maybe I should. Maybe that would send you right back to your boyfriend.

I keep telling myself to picture how I would feel in his shoes. Your boyfriend. I envy him now, and I suppose if I’m being really honest with myself, that envy does come with a desire to hurt him. I keep telling myself to think about the hurt he would feel. It helps until you smile at me and then it all goes out the window.

You’ve basically put the decision in my hands. You said that you really want me but only if I want you. I don’t think you understand how unfair that is, and really what a cop out it is too. As much as I want to be mad at you about it I can’t. I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

K