Dear Self-Checkout Machine

Dear Self-Checkout Machine,

I love you because you aren't a person. You won't ask me how my day is or prattle on about yours. I love you even more when you have a mute button. I hate when you don't, because I'm afraid your voice is a bit irritating. But I would take your voice every day of the week if it means I can have one less painful human interaction. Also, could you please note when the weight of my items is off by the weight of a paper bag and not tell the attendant that I'm stealing things? I'm just trying to be environmentally friendly. Thanks.

Me