A Friend's Relationship

One problem with friendships is the potential for one’s friends to date people that one doesn’t like, either outright or simply as a partner for said friend. One good friend of mind started dating a guy, who we’ll call Hank, a couple years ago. I have known my friend for much longer, and we’ve been through quite a bit together. Hank is not a bad person. Objectively speaking I do like him, even though he can be a bit annoying at times. The main thing about Hank that bothers me is his bullheaded ness. He comes from a rather privileged background and has a difficult time seeing that. He is also one of those people who will argue with you any time you point out something wrong with what he says, to the point that you give up, which he of course sees as a win. That is mildly annoying on its own, but becomes insufferable in context of his relationships with my friend.

It is difficult to watch someone that you care about get into a relationship with someone you don’t like for them. I don’t like the way that my friend is washed out by Hank. My friend is so much better than the beige shade they become in the relationship. I don’t like that my friend has become one of those “we” people. Last time I asked my friend if they wanted to get dinner his response was “oh, let me see what we’re doing that night.” No. I didn’t ask what you and Mr. Beige were doing. I asked if you wanted to get dinner; you, the independent person, the I that makes up half of that we. Perhaps I don’t get it, and am sensitive to it because I am so fiercely protective of my I-ness, but those conversations feel like settling to me, and not in a good way. After they were together for about a year and a half I realized they were one of those couples who would likely never break up simply because it is comfortable; it’s what they know. When I think of their relationship I only think of the fact that I don’t want to be in one like it.

I also don’t like the way it changed my interactions with my friend. I don’t like the fact that there is now a place in our relationship where I feel I can’t be completely honest with him. And because Hank isn’t actually a bad person or objectively harming my friend, I don’t feel like I can say “he’s not good for you, dump him,” because I would just look like a complete dick if I did that. It is a completely subjective judgement on my part, and is admittedly selfish; I don’t like how this person interferes with my perception of my friend. In some ways my thoughts are more manipulative and toxic than anything I think Hank may or may not be doing. I’m mature enough to see that, I’m not sure I’m mature enough to accept it.

The truth is that every relationship, romantic or not, is multifaceted. I don’t know what my friend’s relationship with Hank is like, any more than he can really know what my relationship with my friend is like. The truth is that perhaps Hank makes my friend happy, that what I see as diminishments might in fact be enhancements. Maybe my sensitivity to all of this is about the fact that I now feel extremely out of control in the relationship I have with my friend, and I have always struggled with control issues. At the end of the day perhaps beige works for my friend.

It took me a long time to accept that my issues with their relationship are just that; my issues. Perhaps what I think is true, or maybe I’m looking for something so I’m finding it. Most likely it’s a mixture of both. Perhaps my friend is settling for Hank on some level, but I see it and blow it out of proportion because I don’t want to feel like I am ever settling in a relationship. Perhaps I only think that my friend is diminished by Hank because I have felt diminished by people I have been with and never want to return to that place, never want to feel that way again. Maybe my friend prefers to be part of a “We” while I am fiercely protective of my I-ness. Perhaps I am actually struggling to accept that there are all kinds of relationships, and that the ones my friends are in with other people aren’t really my business. There is a line I suppose between caring for someone unconditionally and setting conditions on everything. I think that line might be defined by the fear of losing that person. Looking at it now I think that I have been using my friend’s relationship as a way to distance myself from them, that way if the end does come I won’t be hurt in the ways I have been before when such friendships have come to a close. Sure it’s true that Hank may not be the best match for my friend, and that it lessens them. But two things can be true, and my reaction to them is completely born out of my own issues.

I suppose the thing to do about it is the thing that I have struggled with so much over my life; let go of the need to control and define the situation. The cliché of loving something and letting it go can apply to all kinds of relationships I suppose. I just wish it were as easy to do as it is to write on the page.