Adulting 101

When I was younger I used to think that I would just how what to do things when I was an adult. I saw the older people in my life as people who knew what they were doing. I guess I thought I would just know what to do too. Then as I got older I assumed that there would be tools to acquire the necessary skills. They tried in high school. I think most schools try to implement some sort of program in an attempt to prepare students for the real world. I don’t think they’re ever executed very well.

Mine was done during freshman year of high school. The class rotated every quarter. First I did health, you know one of those health classes where you talk about STDs and abstinence? The kind that goes into extreme detail about the former to try to scare you into the latter. Then it was PE, mandated by the state to deal with all of the obesity that was rampant. Then there was a strange component for the third quarter. All I remember doing was reading and talking about the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens, which I hated. For the last part of the year we did a class that I think was designed to show us various careers. I remember learning how to install memory in a computer, which is moot now, given technological advancements. I remember trying to do a stop motion movie as well. There were other projects during that particular rotation, but I can’t for the life of me remember what they were.

I believe all of that was their attempt to give us life skills, but I don’t think I’ve used a single thing from any of those classes (I mean, I’m pretty much abstinent these days, but that’s not completely by choice). We didn’t even get to do that thing where we take care of an egg or robot baby to simulate parenthood. I would have just liked something useful. It would have been nice if just one of those rotations taught me how to do my taxes, or how the hell to deal with getting insurance or what credit is all about. These things are just thrust upon you when you enter the adult world, like you’re supposed to just know what a credit score is used for. I really could have used an Adulting 101 course, but never received it.

I hear kids complaining about their parents and living at home and I can’t help but think how great the idea of living somewhere for free with people to help enforce a schedule on me sounds. That’s my adult Achilles heel – having to monitor myself. I just want to shake those kids and scream at them “don’t you understand? You don’t have to think about anything! You’ve got it made, you don’t want the real world!” Of course it wouldn’t do any good. There’s no way they would listen. I wouldn’t have at their age. They don’t realize that freedom comes with a price. Yes, you can have cake for dinner like you always dreamed, but if you do it too much you’ll weigh eight hundred pounds. The self-monitoring is such a bitch. Stack it on top of not knowing what you’re doing half the time and you have a nice recipe for constant depression and anxiety on your hands.

I would just like to feel half as competent as I thought I would be by the time I reached this age. I don’t think that’s really too much to ask is it?