May 6th, 2006

Dear K

This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to write. Maybe I should talk to you directly, but I feel like I’ll express myself better if I write it all out. Then we can discuss it, because it will require a discussion.

I want to start out by saying how much I love you. I care about you more than I thought I could for another person. I know that probably scares you. I think you’re scared of that and you’re scared of the life that is inside of you. I think that what we have and what it means terrifies you to your very core. I think that you are so afraid of what society thinks of you that it eclipses the amount you care about what I think of you. You don’t seem to care that I love you so much it hurts me. Or you let your fear eclipse how much you care about it. I don’t know how you live like this. You are constantly looking over your shoulder. You never stop. You are constantly monitoring for the next perceived threat.

I don’t know if I can live with it anymore. I don’t think I can watch as you constantly spiral into a panic. I don’t think I can live with you constantly questioning why I love you. I know that you’re scared and you’re probably doing some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy thing in trying to push me away. It might work, but I don’t want it to because I know what it will do to you, and what it will do to me.

I want you to stop. I want you to get some help. I can’t stand by and watch you destroy yourself. So as much as I don’t want to I’m giving you an ultimatum; either you go into therapy or I leave. I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, that I could help you figure it out. But clearly I am not equipped to do so.

            Love,

                        M